Grocery shopping isn’t a casual experience for me.  It’s a goal.  To attain said goal I make a list, go in, stay focused, get items in cart, head to checkout, pay and move on with life.  Honestly, there have been times when I’ve avoided someone I knew in a grocery store because it would be a distraction from my goal.  I know it’s completely crazy but self-awareness of crazy is better than walking through life blind.

As I stood at the checkout today, I was annoyed with the cashier.  It’s like she didn’t respect the mission I was on and the fact that I didn’t want to waste any time to get this accomplished.  She casually talked to me about her life and her kids as she slowly scanned items.  I kept thinking if I ignored her comments she might speed up the process.  Alas, she just kept talking as I offered to bag my own groceries.  Then I heard these words, “Guess I just get chatty when I’m nervous.  My husband found out he’s losing his job today.”

Hi my name is Shannon and I’m a selfish moron sometimes.

I looked up and told her I was sorry and wished I could help.  She told me the greatest gift I could give her would be to pray for the family.  She kept repeating that she knew things would be alright.  That God would provide and there was no sense in losing sleep over it.

As I left the store today I thought of this lady that I was trying to rush past.  Then I thought of all the people I know who have lost their jobs this year.  It’s a weird time for so many of us.  Our country seems to be gripped by fear and worry and we’re along for the ride.

Then Rich Mullins came to mind. He wrote this article that I had posted in my dorm room when I was in college.  When I felt stressed I’d read it and it always helped me calm down.  Maybe it can do the same for you or someone you love.

The Sound and the Worry

We are surrounded by – we are dependent on (and weirdly, quite even indebted to) a hundred million things that are just beyond our reach and completely beyond our control. Things like favorable weather; the honesty and good intentions of those people among and with whom we live, work and play; balanced budgets; tomorrow and tomorrow in its creeping, petty pace; our next paycheck; dependable machinery; our next breath.

A hundred million things. All of them are just as real as they are invisible, just as available as they are necessary, just as likely to fall on the just as on the unjust, as apt to shine on those who worry as on those who hope. (The difference being that those who worry are less able to enjoy things than those who hope.) But for all of us, we are surrounded by things we cannot predict, control, possess or avoid – things that press us and compete for control – a competition that must be decidedly won by “faith” or we will be lost.

It is easy in the frantic, task-driven “day-to-day” for us to lose our “centers” – our souls – our sense of who we are and what is really important. We are haunted by the ghosts of the “what if’s” who live in the shadows of the “if only’s.” They accuse us, torment us, tempt us to abandon the freedom we have in Christ.

But, if we still ourselves, if we let Him calm us, focus us, equip us for the day, He will remind us of our Father’s prodigal generosity and about the pitiful weakness of greedy men. He will remind us (as He reminded the devil) that “Man does not live by bread alone,” though He may call us (as He called His first disciples) to give bread to the hungry (presumably because man cannot live long without bread). He will remind us about the cares that burden common people, the illusions that blind those the world calls “lucky,” and the crippling effects of worry. Then He will give us hope- hope that stretches us (where worry bent us) and faith – faith that sustains us (where greed smothered us) and love – love that is at the bottom of our deepest desires, the loss of which is at the root of all our fears.

The other night I dreamt that I was stuck in an airport terminal – another canceled flight; another long, anxious wait. The place was packed with stranded passengers and misplaced luggage, and I sank into a chair by the phone booths, waiting for the oxygen masks to drop out of the ceilings (it was a dream, remember). Suddenly, I noticed this distressed man, sobbing, pulling his hair out by the handfuls, and so I leaned over to ask him what was the matter and if I could help.

“What’s wrong, sir?” I asked. He grabbed yet another handful of his hair and sobbed, “I’m afraid I’m going bald!” And so it goes. We are surrounded by a million possibilities, all of which remind us that we are not the “captains of our own fates.” As we face these possibilities, let’s remember who our captain is.  Let us not be made captives of worry.

I watched 17 Again and liked the movie.  I have even come to understand why teenage girls swoon over that kid Zac Efron.  Dang it he’s a decent actor.  There I said it…

I like Miley Cyrus’ song Party in the USA.  When I first heard it at work I told my friends Josh and Betsy that I would never like it but admitted it was a good pop song.  They told me I would cave and despite my music snobbery…I have come to like the song.  You know it’s gone through your mind in the past week or so…”noddin’ my head like yeah! Moving my hips like yeah!”  Oh bugger, bugger…

I wrote cheesy poems when I was 17.  Keep in mind it was 16 years ago.  I was an incredibly angry teenager who had an abusive dad who was practically stalking the family after my parents divorced and the world really didn’t make sense to me.

You never write a cheesy poem at 17 and think you’ll read it at 33 and find words from your youth that challenge you.

God I fear what’s left unsaid

All these thoughts locked in a heart of stone

I’m crying out

Break my heart, make me see

All that’s holding me back, all these chains inside

Teach me—

That I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

I’m gonna be free

No more fear, no more doubts

When I give you me

I’m holding back from the ones I love

All the pain in my soul

Carrying all of this alone is stunting my growth

Now I know what I must do and it’s all about You

I’m on my knees so please teach me—

That I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

I’m gonna be free

No more fear, no more doubts

When I give you me

It’s time to turn the key

To open my soul

Give up all of the pride

And just let You inside

Now I know

I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

I’m gonna be free

No more fear, no more doubts

As I give you me

All these years later I’m still holding back and refusing to really let people in.  Deep down do any of us really believe that others would love us if they knew our innermost thoughts…who we really are?  How can we ever live up to the expectations others impose on us?  Who others expect us to be?

Fear of being known and others deciding that I’m not who they thought I was going to be–that fear has affected every relationship in my life.  My therapist says my willingness to admit this and live in self-awareness is a bold step.  I say it’s lame, long overdue and I’m working on it!  That’s why I pay him…he’s wiser and doesn’t react emotionally like I do.

I haven’t quite gotten what’s coming to me…that complete freedom that 17 year old me thought was just around the corner.  33 year old me feels she’s closer than ever…and appreciates cheesy 17 year old me for the reminder.  And yes I guess that God guy had something to do with this…He can be so sneaky at times.  Just sayin…

I moved from California to Tennessee.

In moving back to Tennessee I came to terms with the fact that I ran from my southern roots and pain from the past that happened here in the south

In realizing I had run from the past I’ve faced some demons

In facing demons I’ve found some peace

In finding peace I’ve embraced hope

In embracing hope…I’ve learned to really live. 

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, “Thoughts in Solitude”

When I was a child, my brother and I would spend our summer nights playing in our yard, and we’d always end up falling down in the grass and looking up at the stars. We’d lie down and listen to the hum of bullfrogs and crickets in the distance and keep looking up at the stars. We didnt know much about them. We had no idea what constellations were and how to find planets in the night sky. We just knew that those stars were bright and mysterious, and somehow gazing up at the sky made us feel at peace. I remember gazing at those stars and recalling some promise that God had made to Abraham that involved those stars. I couldnt grasp that promise when I was a child; I only knew that it was something amazing and part of the reason I was here.

A few nights ago I walked outside, sat down on the side of the road and just looked up. I’m no longer a child, but those stars were still the same, still shining brightly, still just as mysterious and peaceful as ever. I looked up into the heavens and realized that these stars were the same stars I had gazed upon as a child.  The same innumerable stars that God has promised Abraham would be the number of his descendants to come.

Abraham was on the verge of extinction when God made that promise. His wife Sarah was barren, and they were both well beyond the age of child bearing. But because of Abraham’s faith, God proved that He was constant and faithful to provide. Abraham and Sarah became parents. Abraham was 100 years old and Sarah 90 years old when their son Isaac was born. Just as God had promised, from this one man, who was as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky.

We all have desires and unfulfilled dreams that we wish God would give to us today. Maybe its a new job, a new car, a marriage or a child that you are longing for. What we have to remember when we ask God why is that no matter how often we ask, and no matter how He answers God is still God. His ways are still higher than our ways, and He still desires that we prosper and not be harmed.

When everything around you seems to be out of control, take the time to look up at the stars. Remember that a long time ago, one of those stars was lit for you. That star represents a promise to us all.  A promise that God will never change. He is just as faithful to us today as He was to Abraham so many generations ago.

Instead of asking God why, try asking why not? If you really believe that God is God, sit back and watch as He fulfills your wishes, dreams and prayers, just as He sees fit.